The PHD (pull her down factor) – How mothers can help their daughters change the world

bestfriends

There’s one particular theme that has recurred in my work with women in leadership that I have resisted and challenged for years. And this is the complaint – reinforced by countless women – that the women they encounter in organisations are far less supportive than their male colleagues.

Surely we can’t generalise about more than 50% of the world’s population? Surely there are good women and bad women in the same way that there are bad and good men?

And is it reasonable to expect unconditional support from a sisterhood just because we belong to the same gender?

Even the editor of a South African glossy magazine who is a role model for many young working women, wrote in a recent editorial that “more men than women have had an empowering impact on my career.” And I couldn’t help feeling she’d let the team down with her comment.

Many men I have spoken to assure me that women tend to romanticise the ease of male relationships. “Do you really think we’re part of a supportive congenial network and that you are the only ones who suffer with politics?” they counter.

The only advantage they seem to share is that they don’t expect a brotherhood of loyalty. They know that politics is part of organisational life and that’s that.

But my reservations aside there are just too many women referring to the “pull-her-down” (PHD) syndrome as one of the main challenges facing women in organisations for me to continue dismissing it as a self-fulfilling prophecy.

And despite my intellectual discomfort with sweeping generalisations, I haven’t forgotten the “mean girl” dynamics I had to contend with at primary school. And now that it’s my own daughter’s turn to navigate the teen years, I watch her struggle with the same issues I hoped that I had left behind me forever.

It seems that there is no girl or woman who isn’t familiar with the patterns of inclusion and exclusion that leave us hurting and our mothers helpless. So what is it? Does it exist? Why does it exist?

Feminist author Elizabeth Debold suggests that the roots of this behaviour go back further than we might imagine. Research on female primates show that many of our evolutionary foresisters spend their time grooming others to avoid being picked on and holding grudges against each other that make reconciliation impossible, all to gain an advantage in sexual reproduction!

But Elizabeth (who joined us via Skype at one of our women’s leadership conferences a few years ago) also believes it’s possible for us to grapple with our primitive drive to compete with each other so that we can realise a higher potential. (Which I can’t help thinking is a human opportunity rather than a particularly female one)

The challenge is that there is very little advice on what to do and how to behave in a way that builds resilience and compassion at the same time. Usually the values we encourage at the dinner table are very different to the ones that are celebrated on the playground.

So what can we do to help our girls develop a more positive way of relating to each other?

  1. We need to change the narrative that happens around girls and girlfriends. Yes there might be mean girls who bring your daughter down but focus on the friends who support her too.
  2. In the same way that Hollywood idealises romance, unrealistic images are often painted of “best friends” . I have some wonderful women friends in my life but none of my relationships bear much similarity to the kind between Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson in Bride Wars. Celebrate the small acts of kindness and support you get from your friends and your daughter will start developing more realistic expectations too
  3. Teach your daughter what it means to be a good friend so that she “becomes the change” rather than waiting for the perfect friend. Praise her for loyalty, courage, compassion and practical things too like remembering birthdays and phoning a friend when they are sick to offer homework help
  4. In my work with women leaders I ask them to reflect on who they turn to in times of crisis when they refer to the PHD factor. The answer is invariably “my women friends”. But sometimes we neglect these friends in our busy lives – something of which I am often woefully guilty. But in the tradition of appreciative inquiry practice, what we appreciate appreciates. Our relationships need time if they are important to us.
  5. Remind your daughter to choose friends who are worthy of her and her energy. Whether they are male or female, we need to encourage affirming relationships in our lives while we limit the toxic ones. This way we’ll have more time to spend with the people who deserve us and who we deserve in return.

By developing some conscious guidelines, we’ll start changing the narrative rather than leaving each generation to struggle it out for themselves. After all if we aren’t taught what it means to be a good friend on the playground, how can we expect a leg-up a few years later in the even fiercer battleground that is the workplace?

The PHD (pull her down) factor was the subject of our #welead chat on twitter last night. These chats around leadership are taking place every Wednesday night at 7.30pm CAT in the build-up to our 9th Annual Women’s Leadership Conference on May 22nd and 23rd.

 

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Leadership Lessons from hairy chicken in the dust

Over 1000 kids having Shabbat supper together last Friday night

Over 1000 kids having Shabbat supper together last Friday night

As my children experience the Habonim campsite that I loved as a teenager, I realize that there is an aspect of this organization that I can grasp only now that I’m not allowed on any more.

When we visited the campsite for DIGS day a few years ago it was quite surreal to see the stark difference between how our kids live in JHB and what the Onrust campsite has to offer.  And even though I’ve been there so many times before, experiencing it through the eyes of a parent gives a very different perspective.

Instead of Blackberries and iPads our spoilt city kids are united in their dustiness. The beach is their mall. Most of them look like they could do with a good scrub. Essentially it’s a village of 1000 run by kids and to the untrained eye it could look a bit like a (harmonious) scene from Lord of the Flies.

But that’s only what you can see on the outside. It’s only many years later that I am fully aware of how a Habonim education has shaped my life –as a channie, later as a maddie and many years later as a Mom and someone who works in leadership and organizational education.

The peer to peer learning; the dedication of the madrichim who work late into the night refining unforgettable learning programs when their channichim have gone to bed; the dynamic methods of teaching which could (and should) inform teaching methods at schools around the country – are all part of the fabric which make up a very unique learning environment.

But there are other more profound influences that are more subtle and harder to articulate. There’s the backdrop of honest and tolerant but rigorous questioning and challenging of ideas you don’t agree with; (more valuable than any debating training) a sensitivity and respect for human rights around the world while creating a sense of pride in who we are and where we come from and an unspoken commitment to paying it forward once you’ve had the benefit of being taught.

And typically enough, the lessons from Habonim are not static. This is the kind of education that keeps on giving and my most recent lesson as an over-protective Jewish Mom has been to learn to trust that my children are strong, competent and resilient and can do just fine without me for three weeks.

But oh boy I can’t wait to have them home

Glossary
channie/abbreviation for channichim – students
maddie/abbreviation for madrichim  – teachers or leaders
DIGS – dignitaries day – when past Habonim madrichim are invited on to the campsite
hairy chicken – famous Habonim Friday night kosher chicken